Saturday 3/6/10

I feel nauseus. I cried over you for four days. I felt the hurt. I felt pain and now I feel nauseus. I can't call you or talk to you or text or email. I am powerless. Be strong. Let her go has become my new mantra and I still feel sick to my stomach. I have no closure. no digested feelings. I don't get to sort through my emotions. They all come crashing like waves at different moments. Disgust, anger, betrayel. longing, hope, love. no sense of order, no sense of purpose, no sense of future. I see no future, I can make no plans. There is only the suffering in this moment and the hope of time. i wish it were a week from now, I'm terrified of a week from then. This monday will make it a little more final. One week without her. My head can hardly comprehend. The time spent together, measured slowly at first...on week, two weeks, three weeks, a month...one year, two years, three years, four years and three months. Time. Now it's the same thing but in reverse. I never thought this day would come. one week, such a landmark, so permanent. so final. one week without my love. one week alone, one week of pain, of torture, of torment. one week after four years. Why can't I let you go? I called you on Wednesday. It's against the rules. And again on thursday...twice. I yearn and I long but I can't make sense.