Friday 3/12/10

You called me yesterday but I couldn't talk, I was tutoring. I immediately thought of hope, maybe, my wish. This was a mistake. I caught myself later. I knew the truth. I texted you later, you couldn't talk, you went out for drinks. I immediately felt jealous, hurt, betrayed. I wondered if she was there? That you really didn't want to talk, that you were getting over me. And then I felt calm, peace, zen. None of it matters, you are not my girlfriend. You are free. Free from me, free from expectations. I can't make you want me. I can't make you take me back. I can't salvage our relationship by myself. This is what you want, I have to respect that. I need to accept that. I need to let you go. I wish I had answers, closure...was our time together a lie? Do you see a future for us? Why is hope so powerful to cling to? Last night I had some calm, peace acceptance. This morning, every morning, the reality hits again. Making it hard to deal. The hurt, the sorrow, the longing comes crashing back, resounding, every morning without fail, reality twists the knife. I shouldn't want you, you treated me like shit, where is my self-respect, my dignity, my pride. Why can't I let you go? Why can't I be strong?